The day God yelled at me.

Have you ever felt like God yelled at you?  I did a few weeks ago, and it is not something I will ever forget. 

As you know I lost my job at the end of 2014.  I immediately had a peace about it, and knew God was planning something amazing for me.  I knew I would be losing my job, and as others would ask what I was going to do I would say, "I don't know yet, God hasn't sent me a memo".  This was my way to let them know I trust God, and I knew God was doing something for me. 

However, a few weeks ago someone asked what is the hardest part of losing my job.  Of course I could have said loss of friends, loss of direction, or loss of having a job in general.  I already had peace with each of those because I had given it to God and knew something amazing was coming.  Keep in mind I have worked since I was 16, worked while going to college full time to get my Bachelor's Degree, and really enjoyed the job that I had.  I have never had to rely on my husband or anyone else because I would take care of it.  I know rely is a crazy term to use when I refer to my husband, but I was raised that you work for what you have.  I want to contribute and ensure Emma's future has open doors.  I was also relying on employers, which is so hard for me.  I had to rely on them to look over my resume', respond, and think I would be a fit for the job.  I found that this would pull at any and all insecurities that you have.  Instead of going into all of this I decided that my response would be that I have never had to rely on someone else to provide for me.  Simple, right to the point, and innocent right? 

WRONG!  Immediately I heard God "so you don't rely on me?"  Picture the dagger that pierced my heart and brought tears to my eyes  Yes, I rely on God, but I didn't think of that in the same way.  How can I trust God with everything, and not think that He would be in the middle of this whole process lining things up in my favor?  I immediately got by myself because I needed to apologize to God.  I had to tell Him that I do trust Him, and more importantly I am relying on Him to provide for me.

To think of the hurt on God's face when I said those hurtful words still brings tears to my eyes.  Imagine your child telling you those same words.  In the beginning of this whole process I asked God to take my anxiety, to take my hurt, to take my stress, and to take my worries.  Guess what? He did without hesitation, and here I stood saying I had never had to rely on anyone.  

God has blessed me so much through all of this.  While I still do not have a job, I do have an amazing God, a indescribable sense of peace, and yet excitement for what is to come.  During the past two months I have grown so much closer to God.  I have asked God to show me the job He has planned for me, and I am trusting entirely.  In the meantime, He is doing amazing things for me and growing my faith.  He is putting opportunities in front of me that I never expected, and guiding me into amazing roles to expand His kingdom.

**Side note - while typing this God pointed out that I was really struggling with letting go of control.  I have struggled with this so many times in the past, and I know being human I will continue to.  I have to keep a check on myself in this area because God is in control of my life!