The well

Emma often talks about seeing Papa, dreaming of Papa, and wants to pray that God will send him back to us.  While these moments often bring me to tears; I am also so happy that she has such a great love for Papa.

One night she didn't want to go to sleep but wouldn't tell me why.  The next day we were talking about it and she said that she couldn't go to sleep because Papa was jumping on her bed.  I laughed and smiled at the thought that now he is completely healed, and I am sure he would love to be jumping on the bed with Emma.

I never had those type of connections when I was younger, but I have gained more of them over the years.  There have been moments that took my breath away, brought tears to my eyes, or a smile to my face.  I think God sends me those moments as a reminder that God is with me, and that everything is okay.

Yesterday at church we were singing a song and it said something about wanting to drink from the well.  I immediately thought of Pa - he was a plumber.  I remember being little and going with him to "find water" for the well drilling company to drill the well.  He would take a Y shaped stick and walk with it, when the stick turned down then he knew that was the spot to find water.  Of all the times I know of him doing this I do not recall a time that he was wrong.  However, I also thought about him drinking from the well.  He helped the drilling people find water, but he also help everyone else find the well - the well of God.  Imagine us being able to go to the well, and being completely refreshed; not by water but by God.

I know that in my life Pa was often my well - he knew what to say, how to say it, and when to say it.  I knew he was the strong one I could turn to no matter what, and I knew he had my back.  How true is that of our relationship with God?  Do you turn to him, or do you try to handle it yourself?  We often figure out that when we try to handle it the mess increases as well as the stress.  I encourage you to go to the well!  

John 7:37 "If anyone thirsts, let him come to Me and drink"

John 4:14 "Whoever drinks the water I give him will never thirst"

Hurting together

With the news of the senseless, hatred, heartbreaking attack in Orlando this past weekend it seems that a major factor has been lost.  The victims.  We hear of the killer, what his dad says sparked the attack, and we see his pictures.  What if we stop giving the killer the spotlight and put the spot light on the victims, the helpers, the life savers, and people as people.

This isn't a religious debate, a political debate, or a gun debate this is a matter of the heart.  We all need to reassure people that we are one human race.  Just because the person sins differently than you how can you judge them?  Here is a hint - you can't.  It is not our job to judge people, punish them for their sin, or condemn them for their sin.  Here is another secret for you - no one is perfect and everyone has sin.

Sins are not placed on levels.  You're sin of stealing is the same as murder is the same as lying as so forth and so on.  So now that you are on the same line of sin as the ones that you judge for being homosexual lets look at some other things.

How are you as a Christian acting as a Christian by not loving them as your neighbor?  I am not saying that you have to agree with them, but as a Christian you are to love them.

How are you helping to lead anyone to Christ if they see you judging others?  Remember you sin just as they sin.

Shouldn't you be showing them the love that Christ has shown you? Yes you should.  No where does it say for you not to love your neighbor.

I hope that everyone will see that hatred does not get us anywhere as people, the human race, citizens, or Christians.  Wouldn't we make more of a difference coming together to show that we are stronger together.  Again, I am not saying that you have to agree with everything that they do, and they do not have to agree with everything that you do.  However, they are still someone's mother, father, sister, brother, cousin, aunt, uncle, friend, neighbor, coworker and they deserve the same respect as everyone else.  Regardless of race, sexuality, nationality we all hurt the same.

Teaching me even after he is gone

Most days I find myself rehearing things said when Pa passed.  It ranges from things at the hospital, things at the visitation and funeral, and things people said when I just saw them in passing.  One that has stuck with me I know is something I need to learn from.

So the person talked about my grandfather being such a gentle man, that no one had anything bad to say about him.  I have heard that many times, and even said oh to leave a legacy like he did.  This person went on to say that if someone upset my grandfather he would say "if they can live with it then I can too".  Wow, what a way to say I completely forgive and move on.  I try to move on when someone upset me or does me wrong but often find that I am catching myself still being angry.  I need to learn how to feel that way to just be okay and realize that they are the one that has to answer for their actions.  I am trying to doing better with this, but you know habits are hard to break.  Imagine if all of us took that mindset, and how different our world would be.  Granted this is something that even I am still working on, but aren't we all a work in progress?  

The other night I had to drive his truck, which I was not prepared for.  I get in the truck and think okay turn the radio on and have a distraction.  guess what the radio didn't work.  I said okay Pa it is just me and you for a few minutes.  The tears started and all I could say was I miss you.  There have been times that I stop in my tracks because something for the brief moment catches my attention and reminds me of him.  

They say that grief comes in waves and I have to admit it is true.  The wave may be a gentle reminder or memory or one of the tsunami waves that catches you off guard and knocks you off of your feet.  It comes in waves but you never know the size of the wave. 

 

When the flowers fade

We had several flowers from the funeral at our house.  Some in the living room and some in Emma's room.  I had some hanging to dry, and others for us to enjoy.  This weekend as I was walking through the living room I noticed the flowers were becoming limp, and fading away.

This is how I feel some days, limp and part of me is faded.  However, I have to remember that God makes all things new.  My grandfather has a new body, new energy, and a new home.  He may not be here with us, but I know he wouldn't come back even if he could.  God has given him an amazing view of Heaven and a new body that doesn't hurt, ache, or hold him back.  

While I know there are days that I will be faded like the flower, I also have to smile and know my grandfather is having an amazing time.  He isn't in pain, and while I may be heartbroken his body is healed.  I still miss him, and know that I will for the rest of my life.  There are moments that I feel broken, but then I remember that he is healed.  

Forever Pa's Girl

On March 21, 2016 at 2:05 am part of my heart left me.  It was the first time I have ever felt part of my heart leave, as it left to go with Pa to heaven.  I had spent countless hours at the hospital with him the week leading up to this, and I wished I had more hours there.  I would tell him I love him, hold his hand, and talk about special memories.  Those are not only memories, but also moments that I will forever take with me through life.

Left me share a couple of the memories that still bring a smile to my face:

- When I was little we had gone out to eat and I wanted ice cream.  The waitress asked if anyone wanted anything else, and no one said anything.  She came back with the check, and I looked at Pa and said "I wanted ice cream" to which he responded "then you need to learn to speak up".  We will not discuss how many times I feel he regretted telling me to speak up, but I believe he is a huge part of why I speak up now.  Yes, you can thank him for that.

- When I got married I knew I wanted him to give me away.  Before I walked down the steps the song Waiting on a Woman played, and I then walked down the steps to be greeted by Pa standing at the bottom.  He gave me away, and presented my wedding band.  The next day as Steve was waiting on me to get ready, Pa walked up and said "already waiting on her" smiled and walked off.

- Emma was also a Pa's girl.  We told him that we were expecting on his birthday, and he was the most fun when we were getting people to guess her name.  We gave them clues and they were to try to guess her name.  At one point he asked if we were naming her M&M, so after that we would take him different M&M things.  We have a picture of his face as we handed him an M&M Easter egg.  Emma would just sit with him and be with him, and before we left they would always booie head.

As you can see he may have been a man of few words, but goodness the power of that man.  I still find myself feeling like I am in a nightmare that I can't wake up from, but I am doing everything I can to keep his memory alive for Emma.  We have pictures of him, I am making her a book of pictures of him, we have flowers in her room from the funeral, I am drying flowers, and we have his aftershave on one of his handkerchiefs for her to smell.

I am so proud to be Pa's girl, and for Emma to be Papa's girl.  We will see him again, but until then he is watching us!

God works through children

Yesterday was Emma's second visit to the hospital to see Papa.  It amazes me how connected the two of them are.  He wasn't very responsive but then looked at her and said hey Emma.  She would hold his hand and stare at his face (the same thing I have done every morning). 

He was trying to talk at one point and Emma said mommy he is crying for his Mama.  Mommy he said Mama.  On the way home I asked her if Papa was crying.  She said yes he was crying for his mama.  I asked how she knew and she responded because he had tears didn't you see them?  I will be honest I looked at his face (because I want his face etched in my memory) and there were no visible tears on his face. 

When we walked out of the hospital she just started singing Jesus Loves Me, and again this morning she walked up to me in the kitchen singing Jesus Loves Me.  When we walked outside to leave for daycare she kept saying Jesus is strong.

I have ben one of the ones that can understand Pa when he talks, but yesterday there were times that I couldn't.  When Emma was talking to him she said something I couldn't understand, Pa turned towards her and reached for her hand.

I do not know the depth of the relationship of these two people that I love so much, but I know something there is a strong bond there.  I am glad God is reassuring me through my child, and through His love for me. 

I am forever Pa's girl, and Emma is forever Papa's girl.

How do you say goodbye?

How do you say goodbye to someone who has impacted your life more than you can ever put into words?  Someone who has been there for everything, supported you, encouraged you, and could see right through your lies?  How do I say goodbye to someone that I do not want to let go of, that I don't want to leave me, and that I feel part of my heart is leaving as well?  How can I thank him for everything he has ever done, or not done? 

I do not have the answer to this question.  As I sit here in the waiting room at the hospital I have asked myself that question a lot of times, and I still don't have an answer.  My grandfather (Pa) is my hero, the strongest yet gentlest man I have ever known.  So many of my childhood memories revolve around him.  Working in the tobacco, going to the beach, sitting in his swing, and oh so many other memories in between.  Now he isn't in good health, and we do not know what the next hours or days will hold.  How do I say goodbye?

Yesterday I just held his hand telling him how much I love him, and in the silence prayed that he knows how much he is loved.  I remember being little and my parents telling me about heaven and people passing away, and my only thought was I don't want Pa to die.  I think I hurt my parents' feelings because I was crying and all I could say was that I didn't want Pa and Granny to die.  Here I am many years later and I still cry not wanting that to happen. 

While we are at the same hospital that my dad passed away at, and there are some things that are similar there are also things that are not the same.  I have always been close to Pa, even when we didn't agree I knew he had my back if I needed anything.  I know the hurt of the lose of someone close to you.  I also not only have to deal with this myself, but also have to help Emma process this.  How can I help her process it if I can't.  Maybe we can process it together.  Last night we read Heaven is Real, and this morning she woke up singing "Go Tell it on the Mountain"

I know it is the selfish part of me not wanting to let go because I know if given the choice Pa would choose God over earth.  however, it doesn't take away the pain.  I heard a song this morning and two lines in that song summed up my feelings - "world crumbling around me" and "broken in the silence".  I am a grandpa's girl (always have been always will be) but I still do not know how to say goodbye. 

Instead I think I will just keep telling him how much I love him, I want those to be the words that he hears, that he knows, and that I don't know what I would do without him.