Forever Pa's Girl

On March 21, 2016 at 2:05 am part of my heart left me.  It was the first time I have ever felt part of my heart leave, as it left to go with Pa to heaven.  I had spent countless hours at the hospital with him the week leading up to this, and I wished I had more hours there.  I would tell him I love him, hold his hand, and talk about special memories.  Those are not only memories, but also moments that I will forever take with me through life.

Left me share a couple of the memories that still bring a smile to my face:

- When I was little we had gone out to eat and I wanted ice cream.  The waitress asked if anyone wanted anything else, and no one said anything.  She came back with the check, and I looked at Pa and said "I wanted ice cream" to which he responded "then you need to learn to speak up".  We will not discuss how many times I feel he regretted telling me to speak up, but I believe he is a huge part of why I speak up now.  Yes, you can thank him for that.

- When I got married I knew I wanted him to give me away.  Before I walked down the steps the song Waiting on a Woman played, and I then walked down the steps to be greeted by Pa standing at the bottom.  He gave me away, and presented my wedding band.  The next day as Steve was waiting on me to get ready, Pa walked up and said "already waiting on her" smiled and walked off.

- Emma was also a Pa's girl.  We told him that we were expecting on his birthday, and he was the most fun when we were getting people to guess her name.  We gave them clues and they were to try to guess her name.  At one point he asked if we were naming her M&M, so after that we would take him different M&M things.  We have a picture of his face as we handed him an M&M Easter egg.  Emma would just sit with him and be with him, and before we left they would always booie head.

As you can see he may have been a man of few words, but goodness the power of that man.  I still find myself feeling like I am in a nightmare that I can't wake up from, but I am doing everything I can to keep his memory alive for Emma.  We have pictures of him, I am making her a book of pictures of him, we have flowers in her room from the funeral, I am drying flowers, and we have his aftershave on one of his handkerchiefs for her to smell.

I am so proud to be Pa's girl, and for Emma to be Papa's girl.  We will see him again, but until then he is watching us!

How do you say goodbye?

How do you say goodbye to someone who has impacted your life more than you can ever put into words?  Someone who has been there for everything, supported you, encouraged you, and could see right through your lies?  How do I say goodbye to someone that I do not want to let go of, that I don't want to leave me, and that I feel part of my heart is leaving as well?  How can I thank him for everything he has ever done, or not done? 

I do not have the answer to this question.  As I sit here in the waiting room at the hospital I have asked myself that question a lot of times, and I still don't have an answer.  My grandfather (Pa) is my hero, the strongest yet gentlest man I have ever known.  So many of my childhood memories revolve around him.  Working in the tobacco, going to the beach, sitting in his swing, and oh so many other memories in between.  Now he isn't in good health, and we do not know what the next hours or days will hold.  How do I say goodbye?

Yesterday I just held his hand telling him how much I love him, and in the silence prayed that he knows how much he is loved.  I remember being little and my parents telling me about heaven and people passing away, and my only thought was I don't want Pa to die.  I think I hurt my parents' feelings because I was crying and all I could say was that I didn't want Pa and Granny to die.  Here I am many years later and I still cry not wanting that to happen. 

While we are at the same hospital that my dad passed away at, and there are some things that are similar there are also things that are not the same.  I have always been close to Pa, even when we didn't agree I knew he had my back if I needed anything.  I know the hurt of the lose of someone close to you.  I also not only have to deal with this myself, but also have to help Emma process this.  How can I help her process it if I can't.  Maybe we can process it together.  Last night we read Heaven is Real, and this morning she woke up singing "Go Tell it on the Mountain"

I know it is the selfish part of me not wanting to let go because I know if given the choice Pa would choose God over earth.  however, it doesn't take away the pain.  I heard a song this morning and two lines in that song summed up my feelings - "world crumbling around me" and "broken in the silence".  I am a grandpa's girl (always have been always will be) but I still do not know how to say goodbye. 

Instead I think I will just keep telling him how much I love him, I want those to be the words that he hears, that he knows, and that I don't know what I would do without him. 

Saying goodbye

Today I was taken back in time to October 2014. 

I had received a text from my best friend that her mom wasn't doing well.  I told her I would be there after church.  After church Emma, my mom, and myself stopped by the hospital.  We visited for a few minutes then I need to get Em to lunch, so we left to meet Steve.  While eating I asked Steve to take care of other stuff because I felt the need to get back to the hospital.

I went back to the hospital was able to get some laughs in with my friend and her family. I hope I was able to distract my friend's mind for a few minutes during that time  Then I was taken back in time.  Back to a different hospital, a different surrounding of family, but oh so similar in so many ways.  Realizing that you have to say goodbye, realizing life was forever changing, and realizing you would never be the same person again.  I watched as my friend went to say her last goodbye and my heart broke.  I know that feeling, I know that moment of what do I do, and I know the feelings that follow.  Here was a major difference  it was her mom.  As a female we all know how we are over our moms, and here she was having to say goodbye. 

She lost her mother, and her life has now forever changed.  There were many tears shed today, and there will be more shed in the future.  The future for my friend has changed forever, and for that my heart breaks.  I can lend an ear, a shoulder to cry on, and shed my own tears for her, but I can never change what happened today. 

Her dad broke my heart when he said "those were the hardest words I have ever had to day".  Can you imagine saying goodbye to your spouse, mother of your two daughters, and being completely lost without her?  Life proves that we will all have to say goodbyes that are hard, but we also know that because of God's love we can see our loved ones again. 

Maybe it isn't goodbye, but a see you later?