Teaching me even after he is gone

Most days I find myself rehearing things said when Pa passed.  It ranges from things at the hospital, things at the visitation and funeral, and things people said when I just saw them in passing.  One that has stuck with me I know is something I need to learn from.

So the person talked about my grandfather being such a gentle man, that no one had anything bad to say about him.  I have heard that many times, and even said oh to leave a legacy like he did.  This person went on to say that if someone upset my grandfather he would say "if they can live with it then I can too".  Wow, what a way to say I completely forgive and move on.  I try to move on when someone upset me or does me wrong but often find that I am catching myself still being angry.  I need to learn how to feel that way to just be okay and realize that they are the one that has to answer for their actions.  I am trying to doing better with this, but you know habits are hard to break.  Imagine if all of us took that mindset, and how different our world would be.  Granted this is something that even I am still working on, but aren't we all a work in progress?  

The other night I had to drive his truck, which I was not prepared for.  I get in the truck and think okay turn the radio on and have a distraction.  guess what the radio didn't work.  I said okay Pa it is just me and you for a few minutes.  The tears started and all I could say was I miss you.  There have been times that I stop in my tracks because something for the brief moment catches my attention and reminds me of him.  

They say that grief comes in waves and I have to admit it is true.  The wave may be a gentle reminder or memory or one of the tsunami waves that catches you off guard and knocks you off of your feet.  It comes in waves but you never know the size of the wave. 

 

When the flowers fade

We had several flowers from the funeral at our house.  Some in the living room and some in Emma's room.  I had some hanging to dry, and others for us to enjoy.  This weekend as I was walking through the living room I noticed the flowers were becoming limp, and fading away.

This is how I feel some days, limp and part of me is faded.  However, I have to remember that God makes all things new.  My grandfather has a new body, new energy, and a new home.  He may not be here with us, but I know he wouldn't come back even if he could.  God has given him an amazing view of Heaven and a new body that doesn't hurt, ache, or hold him back.  

While I know there are days that I will be faded like the flower, I also have to smile and know my grandfather is having an amazing time.  He isn't in pain, and while I may be heartbroken his body is healed.  I still miss him, and know that I will for the rest of my life.  There are moments that I feel broken, but then I remember that he is healed.  

Forever Pa's Girl

On March 21, 2016 at 2:05 am part of my heart left me.  It was the first time I have ever felt part of my heart leave, as it left to go with Pa to heaven.  I had spent countless hours at the hospital with him the week leading up to this, and I wished I had more hours there.  I would tell him I love him, hold his hand, and talk about special memories.  Those are not only memories, but also moments that I will forever take with me through life.

Left me share a couple of the memories that still bring a smile to my face:

- When I was little we had gone out to eat and I wanted ice cream.  The waitress asked if anyone wanted anything else, and no one said anything.  She came back with the check, and I looked at Pa and said "I wanted ice cream" to which he responded "then you need to learn to speak up".  We will not discuss how many times I feel he regretted telling me to speak up, but I believe he is a huge part of why I speak up now.  Yes, you can thank him for that.

- When I got married I knew I wanted him to give me away.  Before I walked down the steps the song Waiting on a Woman played, and I then walked down the steps to be greeted by Pa standing at the bottom.  He gave me away, and presented my wedding band.  The next day as Steve was waiting on me to get ready, Pa walked up and said "already waiting on her" smiled and walked off.

- Emma was also a Pa's girl.  We told him that we were expecting on his birthday, and he was the most fun when we were getting people to guess her name.  We gave them clues and they were to try to guess her name.  At one point he asked if we were naming her M&M, so after that we would take him different M&M things.  We have a picture of his face as we handed him an M&M Easter egg.  Emma would just sit with him and be with him, and before we left they would always booie head.

As you can see he may have been a man of few words, but goodness the power of that man.  I still find myself feeling like I am in a nightmare that I can't wake up from, but I am doing everything I can to keep his memory alive for Emma.  We have pictures of him, I am making her a book of pictures of him, we have flowers in her room from the funeral, I am drying flowers, and we have his aftershave on one of his handkerchiefs for her to smell.

I am so proud to be Pa's girl, and for Emma to be Papa's girl.  We will see him again, but until then he is watching us!