Teaching me even after he is gone

Most days I find myself rehearing things said when Pa passed.  It ranges from things at the hospital, things at the visitation and funeral, and things people said when I just saw them in passing.  One that has stuck with me I know is something I need to learn from.

So the person talked about my grandfather being such a gentle man, that no one had anything bad to say about him.  I have heard that many times, and even said oh to leave a legacy like he did.  This person went on to say that if someone upset my grandfather he would say "if they can live with it then I can too".  Wow, what a way to say I completely forgive and move on.  I try to move on when someone upset me or does me wrong but often find that I am catching myself still being angry.  I need to learn how to feel that way to just be okay and realize that they are the one that has to answer for their actions.  I am trying to doing better with this, but you know habits are hard to break.  Imagine if all of us took that mindset, and how different our world would be.  Granted this is something that even I am still working on, but aren't we all a work in progress?  

The other night I had to drive his truck, which I was not prepared for.  I get in the truck and think okay turn the radio on and have a distraction.  guess what the radio didn't work.  I said okay Pa it is just me and you for a few minutes.  The tears started and all I could say was I miss you.  There have been times that I stop in my tracks because something for the brief moment catches my attention and reminds me of him.  

They say that grief comes in waves and I have to admit it is true.  The wave may be a gentle reminder or memory or one of the tsunami waves that catches you off guard and knocks you off of your feet.  It comes in waves but you never know the size of the wave. 

 

Forever Pa's Girl

On March 21, 2016 at 2:05 am part of my heart left me.  It was the first time I have ever felt part of my heart leave, as it left to go with Pa to heaven.  I had spent countless hours at the hospital with him the week leading up to this, and I wished I had more hours there.  I would tell him I love him, hold his hand, and talk about special memories.  Those are not only memories, but also moments that I will forever take with me through life.

Left me share a couple of the memories that still bring a smile to my face:

- When I was little we had gone out to eat and I wanted ice cream.  The waitress asked if anyone wanted anything else, and no one said anything.  She came back with the check, and I looked at Pa and said "I wanted ice cream" to which he responded "then you need to learn to speak up".  We will not discuss how many times I feel he regretted telling me to speak up, but I believe he is a huge part of why I speak up now.  Yes, you can thank him for that.

- When I got married I knew I wanted him to give me away.  Before I walked down the steps the song Waiting on a Woman played, and I then walked down the steps to be greeted by Pa standing at the bottom.  He gave me away, and presented my wedding band.  The next day as Steve was waiting on me to get ready, Pa walked up and said "already waiting on her" smiled and walked off.

- Emma was also a Pa's girl.  We told him that we were expecting on his birthday, and he was the most fun when we were getting people to guess her name.  We gave them clues and they were to try to guess her name.  At one point he asked if we were naming her M&M, so after that we would take him different M&M things.  We have a picture of his face as we handed him an M&M Easter egg.  Emma would just sit with him and be with him, and before we left they would always booie head.

As you can see he may have been a man of few words, but goodness the power of that man.  I still find myself feeling like I am in a nightmare that I can't wake up from, but I am doing everything I can to keep his memory alive for Emma.  We have pictures of him, I am making her a book of pictures of him, we have flowers in her room from the funeral, I am drying flowers, and we have his aftershave on one of his handkerchiefs for her to smell.

I am so proud to be Pa's girl, and for Emma to be Papa's girl.  We will see him again, but until then he is watching us!

Saying goodbye

Today I was taken back in time to October 2014. 

I had received a text from my best friend that her mom wasn't doing well.  I told her I would be there after church.  After church Emma, my mom, and myself stopped by the hospital.  We visited for a few minutes then I need to get Em to lunch, so we left to meet Steve.  While eating I asked Steve to take care of other stuff because I felt the need to get back to the hospital.

I went back to the hospital was able to get some laughs in with my friend and her family. I hope I was able to distract my friend's mind for a few minutes during that time  Then I was taken back in time.  Back to a different hospital, a different surrounding of family, but oh so similar in so many ways.  Realizing that you have to say goodbye, realizing life was forever changing, and realizing you would never be the same person again.  I watched as my friend went to say her last goodbye and my heart broke.  I know that feeling, I know that moment of what do I do, and I know the feelings that follow.  Here was a major difference  it was her mom.  As a female we all know how we are over our moms, and here she was having to say goodbye. 

She lost her mother, and her life has now forever changed.  There were many tears shed today, and there will be more shed in the future.  The future for my friend has changed forever, and for that my heart breaks.  I can lend an ear, a shoulder to cry on, and shed my own tears for her, but I can never change what happened today. 

Her dad broke my heart when he said "those were the hardest words I have ever had to day".  Can you imagine saying goodbye to your spouse, mother of your two daughters, and being completely lost without her?  Life proves that we will all have to say goodbyes that are hard, but we also know that because of God's love we can see our loved ones again. 

Maybe it isn't goodbye, but a see you later?