God works through children

Yesterday was Emma's second visit to the hospital to see Papa.  It amazes me how connected the two of them are.  He wasn't very responsive but then looked at her and said hey Emma.  She would hold his hand and stare at his face (the same thing I have done every morning). 

He was trying to talk at one point and Emma said mommy he is crying for his Mama.  Mommy he said Mama.  On the way home I asked her if Papa was crying.  She said yes he was crying for his mama.  I asked how she knew and she responded because he had tears didn't you see them?  I will be honest I looked at his face (because I want his face etched in my memory) and there were no visible tears on his face. 

When we walked out of the hospital she just started singing Jesus Loves Me, and again this morning she walked up to me in the kitchen singing Jesus Loves Me.  When we walked outside to leave for daycare she kept saying Jesus is strong.

I have ben one of the ones that can understand Pa when he talks, but yesterday there were times that I couldn't.  When Emma was talking to him she said something I couldn't understand, Pa turned towards her and reached for her hand.

I do not know the depth of the relationship of these two people that I love so much, but I know something there is a strong bond there.  I am glad God is reassuring me through my child, and through His love for me. 

I am forever Pa's girl, and Emma is forever Papa's girl.

How do you say goodbye?

How do you say goodbye to someone who has impacted your life more than you can ever put into words?  Someone who has been there for everything, supported you, encouraged you, and could see right through your lies?  How do I say goodbye to someone that I do not want to let go of, that I don't want to leave me, and that I feel part of my heart is leaving as well?  How can I thank him for everything he has ever done, or not done? 

I do not have the answer to this question.  As I sit here in the waiting room at the hospital I have asked myself that question a lot of times, and I still don't have an answer.  My grandfather (Pa) is my hero, the strongest yet gentlest man I have ever known.  So many of my childhood memories revolve around him.  Working in the tobacco, going to the beach, sitting in his swing, and oh so many other memories in between.  Now he isn't in good health, and we do not know what the next hours or days will hold.  How do I say goodbye?

Yesterday I just held his hand telling him how much I love him, and in the silence prayed that he knows how much he is loved.  I remember being little and my parents telling me about heaven and people passing away, and my only thought was I don't want Pa to die.  I think I hurt my parents' feelings because I was crying and all I could say was that I didn't want Pa and Granny to die.  Here I am many years later and I still cry not wanting that to happen. 

While we are at the same hospital that my dad passed away at, and there are some things that are similar there are also things that are not the same.  I have always been close to Pa, even when we didn't agree I knew he had my back if I needed anything.  I know the hurt of the lose of someone close to you.  I also not only have to deal with this myself, but also have to help Emma process this.  How can I help her process it if I can't.  Maybe we can process it together.  Last night we read Heaven is Real, and this morning she woke up singing "Go Tell it on the Mountain"

I know it is the selfish part of me not wanting to let go because I know if given the choice Pa would choose God over earth.  however, it doesn't take away the pain.  I heard a song this morning and two lines in that song summed up my feelings - "world crumbling around me" and "broken in the silence".  I am a grandpa's girl (always have been always will be) but I still do not know how to say goodbye. 

Instead I think I will just keep telling him how much I love him, I want those to be the words that he hears, that he knows, and that I don't know what I would do without him. 

Letting God take control

Do you ever find yourself getting so caught up in the day to day activities that you feel as if you are drowning.  Especially after Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Years our focus in life can switch.  What gift to buy, who to buy for, how much money will I be spending, I don't have enough money, who do we have to go visit, the money isn't enough, etc.  Then with New Year's comes resolutions, how can I make myself look better, joining a gym, eating better, and trying to fit into the world.

Sadly, we celebrate Christmas and then skip right over where our focus needs to be - on God.  We like to celebrate His birthday, but then quickly forget about him when we make goals for the new year.  Why not make it a goal to grow closer to him, to grow as a christian, and to become a better christian so others may come to know him through our works.

I decided this year I would read the Bible in a year, I would do the 52 scripture challenge, and I would make God more of my focus.  Guess what if you make him your focus then you will begin to eat better, do better for yourself, and in return meet those other goals.

I started off the year reading the daily Bible verses, and spending more time with God.  If you have ever made this a focus in your life then you know what I am about to say... Then satan attacked.  Emma was sick and I stayed home with her.  In the quietness of cuddling my sick child satan started attacking.  I don't make enough money, how will I provide for my child, how did I get myself into the situation I am in, and so the list began.  Attack after attack after attack.  Then satan began playing dirty - attacking God's plan for my life.  Why did God put me in this position, God gave me a child why did he take away the financial peace that I had, etc.  I ended up praying for God to intervene and make satan step back.  I asked God to please let it stop because I do trust the plan He has for my life, I do know He is working for me, and satan needed to step back.

Thankfully God granted me that peace, and I was able to turn it around on satan.  God provided my child, God provided me with a job that I love, God has provided for me time and time again.  No my life isn't perfect, as I am not perfect either.  However, with God working for me I know that there are amazing things happening in my life.  God provided me a job in which they do not hesitate when I say Emma is sick and I need to stay home.

I am not saying that making God your focus for the year will be easy.  Believe me satan will make it as hard on you as he can.  But guess what God is on your side.  You have to just continue to battle satan with God, and God will fight for you.  In 2016 I hope that you will make God your focus and use your knowledge of God and his word to fight back against satan.

Saying goodbye

Today I was taken back in time to October 2014. 

I had received a text from my best friend that her mom wasn't doing well.  I told her I would be there after church.  After church Emma, my mom, and myself stopped by the hospital.  We visited for a few minutes then I need to get Em to lunch, so we left to meet Steve.  While eating I asked Steve to take care of other stuff because I felt the need to get back to the hospital.

I went back to the hospital was able to get some laughs in with my friend and her family. I hope I was able to distract my friend's mind for a few minutes during that time  Then I was taken back in time.  Back to a different hospital, a different surrounding of family, but oh so similar in so many ways.  Realizing that you have to say goodbye, realizing life was forever changing, and realizing you would never be the same person again.  I watched as my friend went to say her last goodbye and my heart broke.  I know that feeling, I know that moment of what do I do, and I know the feelings that follow.  Here was a major difference  it was her mom.  As a female we all know how we are over our moms, and here she was having to say goodbye. 

She lost her mother, and her life has now forever changed.  There were many tears shed today, and there will be more shed in the future.  The future for my friend has changed forever, and for that my heart breaks.  I can lend an ear, a shoulder to cry on, and shed my own tears for her, but I can never change what happened today. 

Her dad broke my heart when he said "those were the hardest words I have ever had to day".  Can you imagine saying goodbye to your spouse, mother of your two daughters, and being completely lost without her?  Life proves that we will all have to say goodbyes that are hard, but we also know that because of God's love we can see our loved ones again. 

Maybe it isn't goodbye, but a see you later?

Things I am thankful for...

I just wanted to show you some of the things I have already been thankful for this month.  

My husband who is my best friend.  The past year hasn't been the best year for us because of a lot of changes, but he stayed constant.  He was my rock, my friend, and telling me not to worry about it because everything would work out.

 My daughter who is my miracle, and forever changed my life.  She makes the bad days better, and the dark says brighter.  She is funny, smart, and beautiful inside and out.

The beach is my calming place.  I stand in awe of God's creations.  To tell the waves where to stop so they don't flood the earth.  The birds, sand, and my favorite sea turtles.

My family.  We may not always agree but we still love each other.

That God sent me this wonderful man to share my life with.

Month of being Thankful

November is here and that means the busy holiday season is just round the corner.  We often get caught up in the rat race and don't take time to truly thank God.  I started a few years ago taking time each day to think of what I am thankful for.  Sadly I often forget to do this the rest of the year, but try to do it daily for November.  We should be thankful every day for all of the blessing bestowed on us, not just during prayer on Thanksgiving Day.

 What are you thankful for today?  I will be honest the first few days are very easy for me because they include my Savior Jesus Christ, my family, friends, spouse, child, and all of the everyday people in my life.  Towards the end of the month it gets a little harder. 

So lets start this together!  I will do a post each day with something I am thankful for, and you can comment what you are thankful for.

I started this yesterday in which I was thankful for my Savior Jesus Christ who never turns his back on me regardless of what I do.  He is full of mercy, grace, and love that we can't find anywhere else.  I have walked away from him, and came back knowing he was there waiting for me.  He never turns from me, even when I upset him.

Today I am thankful for the rainy day.  The rain waters the plants, foods, and animals; however, it also typically leads to an evening of cuddles and book reading for us.  I used to love rainy days when I was in school because I would always have soup and grilled cheese to eat that day.  Even then the rain was a sign to slow down and enjoy things.  If it is pretty we are typically outside, running errands, or on the go.  However, when it rains everyone talks about going home, cuddling up with a blanket and a book.  For me I love to hear the rain, especially thunderstorms, and cuddle up with Emma watch a video or read a book and enjoy my evening with her. 

What are you thankful for today?

How do you...

Handle a chilly, rainy day?
              Do you sulk all day and tell everyone how miserable it is or do you take time to think about how things would be if it didn't rain?  I grew up loving rain, from smelling it before it started raining to hearing it hit the tin roof.  Of course there are days you may not want it to rain, but what if it never rained again?

Handle disappointment?
              Do you begin going into your shell so others can't hurt you?  As humans we will deal with disappointments in humans, but never in God.  If we put all of our trust and faith in human then you will begin shutting everyone out because it is a dangerous way to live.  However, with placing your faith, value, and hope in God all opportunities open up.

Talk to God?
              Do you only talk to God when you want or need something, or do you praise the blessings already bestowed on you?  We often get caught up when we are on top of the world and forget who those blessings have come from.  However, as soon as one small thing happens we are quick to turn to God asking why this was allowed to happen.  Maybe this happened so you would talk to God, maybe He missed you.

Talk about God?
              Do you let the light of God's love shine through you or is God even seen through your talk?  You aren't showing God's love if you are degrading, judging, criticizing, etc.  Do not get me wrong if something is done against God's word you should speak of God's word, but you do that in love not anger.  We should ask God to allow Himself to be shown through us - our words and actions.

Handle tests of faith?
             Do you run to God or away from God? If there is a test of faith do you dig in deeper with God, or wait for the world to fix your problems?  Often we wait for the problem to work itself out, but never turn to God who already knows the outcome.  We have to trust that God does have a plan for us, and it is for the best for us.


As you can see any situation can be taken different ways.  You can choose to let it direct you one way, or you can choose to respond a particular way.  Here is the key - YOU.  You get to choose, you get to decide your response, and no one else can choose it for you.  While someone may upset you, it is still YOUR choice how you respond not theirs.  As we tell our children, make good choices, and choose wisely.