The well

Emma often talks about seeing Papa, dreaming of Papa, and wants to pray that God will send him back to us.  While these moments often bring me to tears; I am also so happy that she has such a great love for Papa.

One night she didn't want to go to sleep but wouldn't tell me why.  The next day we were talking about it and she said that she couldn't go to sleep because Papa was jumping on her bed.  I laughed and smiled at the thought that now he is completely healed, and I am sure he would love to be jumping on the bed with Emma.

I never had those type of connections when I was younger, but I have gained more of them over the years.  There have been moments that took my breath away, brought tears to my eyes, or a smile to my face.  I think God sends me those moments as a reminder that God is with me, and that everything is okay.

Yesterday at church we were singing a song and it said something about wanting to drink from the well.  I immediately thought of Pa - he was a plumber.  I remember being little and going with him to "find water" for the well drilling company to drill the well.  He would take a Y shaped stick and walk with it, when the stick turned down then he knew that was the spot to find water.  Of all the times I know of him doing this I do not recall a time that he was wrong.  However, I also thought about him drinking from the well.  He helped the drilling people find water, but he also help everyone else find the well - the well of God.  Imagine us being able to go to the well, and being completely refreshed; not by water but by God.

I know that in my life Pa was often my well - he knew what to say, how to say it, and when to say it.  I knew he was the strong one I could turn to no matter what, and I knew he had my back.  How true is that of our relationship with God?  Do you turn to him, or do you try to handle it yourself?  We often figure out that when we try to handle it the mess increases as well as the stress.  I encourage you to go to the well!  

John 7:37 "If anyone thirsts, let him come to Me and drink"

John 4:14 "Whoever drinks the water I give him will never thirst"

Hurting together

With the news of the senseless, hatred, heartbreaking attack in Orlando this past weekend it seems that a major factor has been lost.  The victims.  We hear of the killer, what his dad says sparked the attack, and we see his pictures.  What if we stop giving the killer the spotlight and put the spot light on the victims, the helpers, the life savers, and people as people.

This isn't a religious debate, a political debate, or a gun debate this is a matter of the heart.  We all need to reassure people that we are one human race.  Just because the person sins differently than you how can you judge them?  Here is a hint - you can't.  It is not our job to judge people, punish them for their sin, or condemn them for their sin.  Here is another secret for you - no one is perfect and everyone has sin.

Sins are not placed on levels.  You're sin of stealing is the same as murder is the same as lying as so forth and so on.  So now that you are on the same line of sin as the ones that you judge for being homosexual lets look at some other things.

How are you as a Christian acting as a Christian by not loving them as your neighbor?  I am not saying that you have to agree with them, but as a Christian you are to love them.

How are you helping to lead anyone to Christ if they see you judging others?  Remember you sin just as they sin.

Shouldn't you be showing them the love that Christ has shown you? Yes you should.  No where does it say for you not to love your neighbor.

I hope that everyone will see that hatred does not get us anywhere as people, the human race, citizens, or Christians.  Wouldn't we make more of a difference coming together to show that we are stronger together.  Again, I am not saying that you have to agree with everything that they do, and they do not have to agree with everything that you do.  However, they are still someone's mother, father, sister, brother, cousin, aunt, uncle, friend, neighbor, coworker and they deserve the same respect as everyone else.  Regardless of race, sexuality, nationality we all hurt the same.

Teaching me even after he is gone

Most days I find myself rehearing things said when Pa passed.  It ranges from things at the hospital, things at the visitation and funeral, and things people said when I just saw them in passing.  One that has stuck with me I know is something I need to learn from.

So the person talked about my grandfather being such a gentle man, that no one had anything bad to say about him.  I have heard that many times, and even said oh to leave a legacy like he did.  This person went on to say that if someone upset my grandfather he would say "if they can live with it then I can too".  Wow, what a way to say I completely forgive and move on.  I try to move on when someone upset me or does me wrong but often find that I am catching myself still being angry.  I need to learn how to feel that way to just be okay and realize that they are the one that has to answer for their actions.  I am trying to doing better with this, but you know habits are hard to break.  Imagine if all of us took that mindset, and how different our world would be.  Granted this is something that even I am still working on, but aren't we all a work in progress?  

The other night I had to drive his truck, which I was not prepared for.  I get in the truck and think okay turn the radio on and have a distraction.  guess what the radio didn't work.  I said okay Pa it is just me and you for a few minutes.  The tears started and all I could say was I miss you.  There have been times that I stop in my tracks because something for the brief moment catches my attention and reminds me of him.  

They say that grief comes in waves and I have to admit it is true.  The wave may be a gentle reminder or memory or one of the tsunami waves that catches you off guard and knocks you off of your feet.  It comes in waves but you never know the size of the wave. 

 

When the flowers fade

We had several flowers from the funeral at our house.  Some in the living room and some in Emma's room.  I had some hanging to dry, and others for us to enjoy.  This weekend as I was walking through the living room I noticed the flowers were becoming limp, and fading away.

This is how I feel some days, limp and part of me is faded.  However, I have to remember that God makes all things new.  My grandfather has a new body, new energy, and a new home.  He may not be here with us, but I know he wouldn't come back even if he could.  God has given him an amazing view of Heaven and a new body that doesn't hurt, ache, or hold him back.  

While I know there are days that I will be faded like the flower, I also have to smile and know my grandfather is having an amazing time.  He isn't in pain, and while I may be heartbroken his body is healed.  I still miss him, and know that I will for the rest of my life.  There are moments that I feel broken, but then I remember that he is healed.  

Forever Pa's Girl

On March 21, 2016 at 2:05 am part of my heart left me.  It was the first time I have ever felt part of my heart leave, as it left to go with Pa to heaven.  I had spent countless hours at the hospital with him the week leading up to this, and I wished I had more hours there.  I would tell him I love him, hold his hand, and talk about special memories.  Those are not only memories, but also moments that I will forever take with me through life.

Left me share a couple of the memories that still bring a smile to my face:

- When I was little we had gone out to eat and I wanted ice cream.  The waitress asked if anyone wanted anything else, and no one said anything.  She came back with the check, and I looked at Pa and said "I wanted ice cream" to which he responded "then you need to learn to speak up".  We will not discuss how many times I feel he regretted telling me to speak up, but I believe he is a huge part of why I speak up now.  Yes, you can thank him for that.

- When I got married I knew I wanted him to give me away.  Before I walked down the steps the song Waiting on a Woman played, and I then walked down the steps to be greeted by Pa standing at the bottom.  He gave me away, and presented my wedding band.  The next day as Steve was waiting on me to get ready, Pa walked up and said "already waiting on her" smiled and walked off.

- Emma was also a Pa's girl.  We told him that we were expecting on his birthday, and he was the most fun when we were getting people to guess her name.  We gave them clues and they were to try to guess her name.  At one point he asked if we were naming her M&M, so after that we would take him different M&M things.  We have a picture of his face as we handed him an M&M Easter egg.  Emma would just sit with him and be with him, and before we left they would always booie head.

As you can see he may have been a man of few words, but goodness the power of that man.  I still find myself feeling like I am in a nightmare that I can't wake up from, but I am doing everything I can to keep his memory alive for Emma.  We have pictures of him, I am making her a book of pictures of him, we have flowers in her room from the funeral, I am drying flowers, and we have his aftershave on one of his handkerchiefs for her to smell.

I am so proud to be Pa's girl, and for Emma to be Papa's girl.  We will see him again, but until then he is watching us!

God works through children

Yesterday was Emma's second visit to the hospital to see Papa.  It amazes me how connected the two of them are.  He wasn't very responsive but then looked at her and said hey Emma.  She would hold his hand and stare at his face (the same thing I have done every morning). 

He was trying to talk at one point and Emma said mommy he is crying for his Mama.  Mommy he said Mama.  On the way home I asked her if Papa was crying.  She said yes he was crying for his mama.  I asked how she knew and she responded because he had tears didn't you see them?  I will be honest I looked at his face (because I want his face etched in my memory) and there were no visible tears on his face. 

When we walked out of the hospital she just started singing Jesus Loves Me, and again this morning she walked up to me in the kitchen singing Jesus Loves Me.  When we walked outside to leave for daycare she kept saying Jesus is strong.

I have ben one of the ones that can understand Pa when he talks, but yesterday there were times that I couldn't.  When Emma was talking to him she said something I couldn't understand, Pa turned towards her and reached for her hand.

I do not know the depth of the relationship of these two people that I love so much, but I know something there is a strong bond there.  I am glad God is reassuring me through my child, and through His love for me. 

I am forever Pa's girl, and Emma is forever Papa's girl.

How do you say goodbye?

How do you say goodbye to someone who has impacted your life more than you can ever put into words?  Someone who has been there for everything, supported you, encouraged you, and could see right through your lies?  How do I say goodbye to someone that I do not want to let go of, that I don't want to leave me, and that I feel part of my heart is leaving as well?  How can I thank him for everything he has ever done, or not done? 

I do not have the answer to this question.  As I sit here in the waiting room at the hospital I have asked myself that question a lot of times, and I still don't have an answer.  My grandfather (Pa) is my hero, the strongest yet gentlest man I have ever known.  So many of my childhood memories revolve around him.  Working in the tobacco, going to the beach, sitting in his swing, and oh so many other memories in between.  Now he isn't in good health, and we do not know what the next hours or days will hold.  How do I say goodbye?

Yesterday I just held his hand telling him how much I love him, and in the silence prayed that he knows how much he is loved.  I remember being little and my parents telling me about heaven and people passing away, and my only thought was I don't want Pa to die.  I think I hurt my parents' feelings because I was crying and all I could say was that I didn't want Pa and Granny to die.  Here I am many years later and I still cry not wanting that to happen. 

While we are at the same hospital that my dad passed away at, and there are some things that are similar there are also things that are not the same.  I have always been close to Pa, even when we didn't agree I knew he had my back if I needed anything.  I know the hurt of the lose of someone close to you.  I also not only have to deal with this myself, but also have to help Emma process this.  How can I help her process it if I can't.  Maybe we can process it together.  Last night we read Heaven is Real, and this morning she woke up singing "Go Tell it on the Mountain"

I know it is the selfish part of me not wanting to let go because I know if given the choice Pa would choose God over earth.  however, it doesn't take away the pain.  I heard a song this morning and two lines in that song summed up my feelings - "world crumbling around me" and "broken in the silence".  I am a grandpa's girl (always have been always will be) but I still do not know how to say goodbye. 

Instead I think I will just keep telling him how much I love him, I want those to be the words that he hears, that he knows, and that I don't know what I would do without him. 

Letting God take control

Do you ever find yourself getting so caught up in the day to day activities that you feel as if you are drowning.  Especially after Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Years our focus in life can switch.  What gift to buy, who to buy for, how much money will I be spending, I don't have enough money, who do we have to go visit, the money isn't enough, etc.  Then with New Year's comes resolutions, how can I make myself look better, joining a gym, eating better, and trying to fit into the world.

Sadly, we celebrate Christmas and then skip right over where our focus needs to be - on God.  We like to celebrate His birthday, but then quickly forget about him when we make goals for the new year.  Why not make it a goal to grow closer to him, to grow as a christian, and to become a better christian so others may come to know him through our works.

I decided this year I would read the Bible in a year, I would do the 52 scripture challenge, and I would make God more of my focus.  Guess what if you make him your focus then you will begin to eat better, do better for yourself, and in return meet those other goals.

I started off the year reading the daily Bible verses, and spending more time with God.  If you have ever made this a focus in your life then you know what I am about to say... Then satan attacked.  Emma was sick and I stayed home with her.  In the quietness of cuddling my sick child satan started attacking.  I don't make enough money, how will I provide for my child, how did I get myself into the situation I am in, and so the list began.  Attack after attack after attack.  Then satan began playing dirty - attacking God's plan for my life.  Why did God put me in this position, God gave me a child why did he take away the financial peace that I had, etc.  I ended up praying for God to intervene and make satan step back.  I asked God to please let it stop because I do trust the plan He has for my life, I do know He is working for me, and satan needed to step back.

Thankfully God granted me that peace, and I was able to turn it around on satan.  God provided my child, God provided me with a job that I love, God has provided for me time and time again.  No my life isn't perfect, as I am not perfect either.  However, with God working for me I know that there are amazing things happening in my life.  God provided me a job in which they do not hesitate when I say Emma is sick and I need to stay home.

I am not saying that making God your focus for the year will be easy.  Believe me satan will make it as hard on you as he can.  But guess what God is on your side.  You have to just continue to battle satan with God, and God will fight for you.  In 2016 I hope that you will make God your focus and use your knowledge of God and his word to fight back against satan.

Saying goodbye

Today I was taken back in time to October 2014. 

I had received a text from my best friend that her mom wasn't doing well.  I told her I would be there after church.  After church Emma, my mom, and myself stopped by the hospital.  We visited for a few minutes then I need to get Em to lunch, so we left to meet Steve.  While eating I asked Steve to take care of other stuff because I felt the need to get back to the hospital.

I went back to the hospital was able to get some laughs in with my friend and her family. I hope I was able to distract my friend's mind for a few minutes during that time  Then I was taken back in time.  Back to a different hospital, a different surrounding of family, but oh so similar in so many ways.  Realizing that you have to say goodbye, realizing life was forever changing, and realizing you would never be the same person again.  I watched as my friend went to say her last goodbye and my heart broke.  I know that feeling, I know that moment of what do I do, and I know the feelings that follow.  Here was a major difference  it was her mom.  As a female we all know how we are over our moms, and here she was having to say goodbye. 

She lost her mother, and her life has now forever changed.  There were many tears shed today, and there will be more shed in the future.  The future for my friend has changed forever, and for that my heart breaks.  I can lend an ear, a shoulder to cry on, and shed my own tears for her, but I can never change what happened today. 

Her dad broke my heart when he said "those were the hardest words I have ever had to day".  Can you imagine saying goodbye to your spouse, mother of your two daughters, and being completely lost without her?  Life proves that we will all have to say goodbyes that are hard, but we also know that because of God's love we can see our loved ones again. 

Maybe it isn't goodbye, but a see you later?

Things I am thankful for...

I just wanted to show you some of the things I have already been thankful for this month.  

My husband who is my best friend.  The past year hasn't been the best year for us because of a lot of changes, but he stayed constant.  He was my rock, my friend, and telling me not to worry about it because everything would work out.

 My daughter who is my miracle, and forever changed my life.  She makes the bad days better, and the dark says brighter.  She is funny, smart, and beautiful inside and out.

The beach is my calming place.  I stand in awe of God's creations.  To tell the waves where to stop so they don't flood the earth.  The birds, sand, and my favorite sea turtles.

My family.  We may not always agree but we still love each other.

That God sent me this wonderful man to share my life with.

Month of being Thankful

November is here and that means the busy holiday season is just round the corner.  We often get caught up in the rat race and don't take time to truly thank God.  I started a few years ago taking time each day to think of what I am thankful for.  Sadly I often forget to do this the rest of the year, but try to do it daily for November.  We should be thankful every day for all of the blessing bestowed on us, not just during prayer on Thanksgiving Day.

 What are you thankful for today?  I will be honest the first few days are very easy for me because they include my Savior Jesus Christ, my family, friends, spouse, child, and all of the everyday people in my life.  Towards the end of the month it gets a little harder. 

So lets start this together!  I will do a post each day with something I am thankful for, and you can comment what you are thankful for.

I started this yesterday in which I was thankful for my Savior Jesus Christ who never turns his back on me regardless of what I do.  He is full of mercy, grace, and love that we can't find anywhere else.  I have walked away from him, and came back knowing he was there waiting for me.  He never turns from me, even when I upset him.

Today I am thankful for the rainy day.  The rain waters the plants, foods, and animals; however, it also typically leads to an evening of cuddles and book reading for us.  I used to love rainy days when I was in school because I would always have soup and grilled cheese to eat that day.  Even then the rain was a sign to slow down and enjoy things.  If it is pretty we are typically outside, running errands, or on the go.  However, when it rains everyone talks about going home, cuddling up with a blanket and a book.  For me I love to hear the rain, especially thunderstorms, and cuddle up with Emma watch a video or read a book and enjoy my evening with her. 

What are you thankful for today?

How do you...

Handle a chilly, rainy day?
              Do you sulk all day and tell everyone how miserable it is or do you take time to think about how things would be if it didn't rain?  I grew up loving rain, from smelling it before it started raining to hearing it hit the tin roof.  Of course there are days you may not want it to rain, but what if it never rained again?

Handle disappointment?
              Do you begin going into your shell so others can't hurt you?  As humans we will deal with disappointments in humans, but never in God.  If we put all of our trust and faith in human then you will begin shutting everyone out because it is a dangerous way to live.  However, with placing your faith, value, and hope in God all opportunities open up.

Talk to God?
              Do you only talk to God when you want or need something, or do you praise the blessings already bestowed on you?  We often get caught up when we are on top of the world and forget who those blessings have come from.  However, as soon as one small thing happens we are quick to turn to God asking why this was allowed to happen.  Maybe this happened so you would talk to God, maybe He missed you.

Talk about God?
              Do you let the light of God's love shine through you or is God even seen through your talk?  You aren't showing God's love if you are degrading, judging, criticizing, etc.  Do not get me wrong if something is done against God's word you should speak of God's word, but you do that in love not anger.  We should ask God to allow Himself to be shown through us - our words and actions.

Handle tests of faith?
             Do you run to God or away from God? If there is a test of faith do you dig in deeper with God, or wait for the world to fix your problems?  Often we wait for the problem to work itself out, but never turn to God who already knows the outcome.  We have to trust that God does have a plan for us, and it is for the best for us.


As you can see any situation can be taken different ways.  You can choose to let it direct you one way, or you can choose to respond a particular way.  Here is the key - YOU.  You get to choose, you get to decide your response, and no one else can choose it for you.  While someone may upset you, it is still YOUR choice how you respond not theirs.  As we tell our children, make good choices, and choose wisely.

I saw the sign, and it opened up my eyes...

Yes, that was a song by Ace of Base several years ago.

As we go through life we often have signs to guide us.   Everyday we see stop signs, directional signs, and road signs.  We become immune to them because we see them so often.  However, do you ever stop in your tracks because of a sign?  Granted you should stop at a stop sign, but I am talking about signs to direct your life.  Maybe it relates to your job, your family, and the most important ones typically relate to your faith.

I love when a sign pops up and grabs my attention.  You may be thinking that it has never happened to you, but I bet it has even if it hasn't caught your attention.  Have you ever been driving down the road and looked at the sunset?  Have you ever looked up at night to see the stars?  I enjoy looking at the wonderful works that God does.  Emma will get out of the truck when we get home at night, look up to the sky, and all she says is "Wow".  The wonder in her eyes tells me that seeing the stars is a sign for her.  A sign of God, something bigger than herself, and something that takes your breath away.  I have the same experience standing at the ocean.  God directs the waves, controls how far the waves go, and has sand dunes as barriers.

Other times I sense signs from others.  My amazing, beautiful, inspirational friend Gail who we lost to cancer loved flamingos.  When I started my new job last week, I was looking through the desk which had been cleaned out and stopped in my tracks.  There in the drawer was a postcard with different colored flamingo on it.  A couple of days later, I was asked to work on a project for work and when I pulled out the example to go by the following quote was on it "We are, each of us, angels with only one wing; and we can only fly by embracing one another" Luciano de Crescenzo.  Another sign - this same quote was put on a picture of me and Gail when she passed away.  I knew coming into this job, that my heart was in it and now I see it as signs of I am exactly where I am supposed to be.

The signs that I love to see the most are the signs that my faith is growing.  I find myself in conversation being able to quote scripture, or being able to relate a situation to scripture.  In the past two years this is something that I have noticed, and each time I thank God that He gave me the words for that situation.  I cannot sit here and tell you everything in the Bible, but that is something I am working on.

I encourage you to take the time to look for signs, look for God's wonderful works around you, and then thank Him for those.  There is always a silver lining, sometimes you just have to look for it.  You may wonder how the Ace of Base song ties in but the last part of the song is:

I saw the sign

And it opened up my eyes, I saw the sign

I challenge you to look for those signs today, and let God open your eyes.

Steps of Faith

It has been way too long since I wrote on this blog, but I have been busy taking steps of faith.  I was offered a job in July, and accepted.  This was a step of faith as I was going out of my comfort zone.  I would be doing something completely new, different, town, different office, and different schedule of life.  The nerves kicked in, but I knew I had to do something as the stress of not having a job was closing in on me.  At the same time I knew this position was a test of me stepping out on faith, trusting that God would completely take care of me.

The job ended up being a very trying time, and I knew it was becoming a mere stepping stone for me.  I was learning new things and stepping out on faith, but I knew there was another plan coming.  I was then contacted about a different  position that while it was another pay cut, it was something my heart is in.  I decided to accept that position while again taking that step of faith.

You may be reading this and thinking how could I keep taking those steps.  That was the easy part I knew God was guiding my steps, I knew God was working on a plan for me, and most of all I knew the steps were leading me to where I need to be.

Then came the test - the phone call that could have been a job with more money, but not a job that was a good fit for me at this point in my life.  I prayed, questioned myself, prayed, and ultimately decided I had to follow my heart to where I thought I was led to go.  I started the new position and love it.  I go home feeling like myself again, and still trust that God will take care of the rest.

Matthews 6:26 tells us "Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they?"  How can I believe that God provided for the birds, but will not provide for me?  Why am I less to Him than the birds?  If you read on in Matthew 10:31 "So don't be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows".

How important am I to God?  My initial thought is how far would I go to provide for my child, then wouldn't God go that far for His child as well?  Yes, He sent His son to die for me.  He took away all of my sin.  He created me, and has a plan for my life.

If you think about steps of faith do you try to question their size?  Was that a huge leap of faith or s small step.  Next time you are thinking about that look at it this way.  It isn't the size of the step that matters - it is the size of your faith.  If my faith wasn't the size that it is I wouldn't have trusted enough to step into the first job, or the second job.  

I am not saying that my faith takes all questions, self-doubt, etc but instead it gives me the peace of knowing that God does have a plan for my life, and He does care for me.  I do not ask for praise for stepping out in faith, but I do ask for praise to God for allowing those steps to fall into place.

Mother's Day

Mother's Day is often a hard day for many women.  Maybe they have lost their mom, lost their child, have never had a child, or have pain from their mom.  I am close to my mom, but learned through infertility that Mother's Day is hard.  I didn't struggle with it as much as others do, but again that is something that is individualized.    As a mom I see Mother's Day as another day to thank God for giving me Emma, for if He hadn't I wouldn't be a mommy.

God chose me to be her Mommy - how awesome is that.  He trusts me to raise His child, to care for her, to love her as He loves her, and to be a difference in the world.  I see that as such an amazing blessing, and never want to take that for granted.  Emma changed my life, and changed me.  I do not see the world like I used to, and I am not how I was. 

Garth Brooks sings a song about his mama, and I cry every time I hear it.  I have posted a link to the video below. 

The other link is to Kenny Chesney's Wild Child song.  One of my best friends sent this to me saying it was about me and Emma.  Of course now every time I hear it I begin crying.

While I am so honored to be a mommy, I still find myself not posting a lot on Mother's Day because I know other women are aching and hurting wanting this same title.  God has a plan for their life just as He did for me.  We have to trust the plan.  Proverbs 3:5 trust the Lord with all your heart, lean not on your own understanding.

http://www.bing.com/videos/search?q=garth+brooks+mama+song&qpvt=garth+brooks+mama+song&FORM=VDRE#view=detail&mid=C1FF8FCABA08B63F0A99C1FF8FCABA08B63F0A99

http://www.bing.com/videos/search?q=kenny+chesney+wild+child&qs=LS&sk=VI1&FORM=QBVR&pq=kenny%20chesney%20wi&sc=8-16&sp=2&qs=LS&sk=VI1#view=detail&mid=CFCB9542D7C35792216FCFCB9542D7C35792216F

Happy Mother's Day! 

When satan attacks

First of all I want to apologize for not posting anything for a month now.  I could say a million reasons, but those would be excuses to not only you but also myself.  The truth is that over the past month satan has been attacking me.  I have not been sick, I have not been injured, or anything like that.  Instead satan attacked me mentally.  You see when satan attacks, he takes it serious and does not give in because he is waiting for you to give in.  You see he kept attacking waiting for me to give in, and in a way I did.

I felt like I wasn't wanted by employers, I wasn't important to them, or maybe I wasn't the person I had thought I was.  You see I had loved my job, I had the best boss and coworkers I could ask for.  the sad part is that since I lost my job, I also lost some friends.  I had said from the beginning that God had a plan for me, I just didn't know what it was yet.  I had this mentality for over 6 months, and never questioned it.  Until this past month, and then satan's mental attack started to sound real.  I didn't doubt God, I doubted myself.  I doubted if I was good enough, smart enough, and honestly if I was enough.  I hadn't gotten a job, had some emotional times regarding family, and with Relay For Life I had encountered some issues. Here were three areas that satan saw my weakness and attacked even harder.  How ironic that all of this took place around Easter? 

Last week I was getting over my pity party, and served my regular service at church helping with the preschool ministry.  I was scheduled for one class room, but got moved to a different room.  I had always worked with the ages younger than Em because that was my comfort zone.  Well, imagine my shock when they moved me to the 4 year old room.  Of course the children and wonderful teacher was very welcoming.  We were talking about Jesus appearing to people after his death, and how we celebrate him being alive today.  So we watched a story, read scripture, and made a craft.  While talking about Jesus being alive we had the word alive taped on the floor for the children to hope and spell the word alive.  As I stood there watching the children it hit me like a ton of bricks.  Alive spelt backwards is evil.  WOW from live to evil.  I stood there in shock and them explained it to the teacher, both of us stood there staring at the floor.  Jesus had put me in this room because he knew exactly what I needed.

Now think back I said I didn't doubt God, I doubted myself.  Guess what, that means I was doubting God.  God made me, loves me, and has a plan for my life.  How can I question who I am without questioning the God that made me? I can't.   Psalms 139:13 For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb.

I am learning more and more about myself everyday, and through that I am also learning more about God.  Just remember that when you doubt yourself you are doubting God.  Trust him and turn to him. 

Christian entitlement

How often do you encounter Christian entitlement?  It may be the person that tells you how much better they are than you because they attend church.  Maybe their church is "better" than yours. Maybe they come across that they have no sin.  Maybe you attend the same church and they act like something is owed to them.  Once you start thinking about it chances are that you have encountered it a lot more often than you should.  In all honesty you should never encounter it.

Why would a Christian feel entitled to anything?  I don't have the answer to that unless it is their pride, greed, or selfishness.  When you think you are entitled to something because you are a Christian then you have completely missed the mark.  We are entitled to something as human -- HELL.  We are not entitled to anything beyond that but God gives us his grace, love, and mercy.  We are not entitled to those blessings from God but he still gives it to us because he loves us.  Christians then take those blessings and turn them into entitlement.  That is not the purpose of those blessings.  We are supposed to take those blessing and share God's love.  Instead we get a sense of entitlement and turn others from God. 

God created us, sent His son to die for us, Jesus died for our sin but then we think we are entitled to something.  No.  God is entitled to his kingdom being expanded, and us praising him.  What have we done for God that we should be entitled to anything?  We placed the burden of sin on his son, we placed the hurt in his heart, and we placed hurt in the world.  Why would we then be entitled to anything but hell?  Instead God saves us, and gives us eternal life. 

The next time you feel that you are better than others, or entitled to something because you are a Christian just remember a few things:

1 - the only thing you are entitled to is Hell
2 - you should praise God and bring others to Him, not use his love to drive them away
3 - what has God given for you vs what you have given for him
4 - why not share God's love instead of us it against others
5 - what if you are the only Christian the person sees today - what impression will you be leaving on them?

Who will step up?

In today's society we are often being persecuted as Christians.  You can turn on the news, read on the internet, or open a newspaper and read about Christians being murdered in other countries.  You may initially think "gad that is not here", well I agree that maybe Christians aren't being murdered here.  However, Christians are being persecuted daily regardless of where they live. 

Christians read books, see moves, listen to music, and even say things that make God cringe.  However, some are quick to judge because "I am a Christian, and they aren't so I am better".  Sorry to inform you but you are wrong.  We are all broken people, we all have sin, and we all have a chance to change our lives. 

Last year in my home county there was a huge debate over gay marriage because a magistrate was forced to resign when he voiced his religion to the judges stating that he couldn't preform a marriage.  Some came out saying it was his job so it didn't matter what his religious beliefs were.  Some said it was just a political stunt.  Some came out supporting him and some came out against him.  Can you guess which side Christians were on?  Actually there were on all sides.  I saw Christians who strongly voiced their opinion against gay marriage attacking Christians who came out supporting this man.  I heard Christians talking bad of other Christians based on their standpoint on this topic.  The most shocking part for me were the Christians persecuting other Christians.  Name calling, hateful words, mean actions, and shocking comments.  You may think this isn't persecution of Christians so lets look at the definition. 

Persecution - hostility and ill-treatment, especially because of race or political or religious beliefs

To be persecuted doesn't mean you are killed, doesn't mean you are caused bodily harm, it means the treatment.  Do you think you win anything by persecuting fellow Christians?  Maybe you gain pride, stance in your group of friends, and maybe gain acknowledgement from others.  However, you do not gain from God.

2 Timothy 3:12 Indeed, all who desire to live a godly life in Christ Jesus will be persecuted

Notice it doesn't say will persecute but instead says will be persecuted?  When a Christian is persecuted we can take that and glorify God.  We have to stop persecuting each other.  If we see a fellow Christian hurting we hurt with them, if we see them rejoicing we rejoice with them, but we should never persecute each other. 

Due to persecution Christians have become quiet.  We don't want to mention God and upset someone, don't want to end a friendship by talking about God, and don't stand up when other Christians are being persecuted.  This has to stop because we are to share the joy of God, we are to lead others to Him, and help each other.  We have to speak up, talk about God, and join together with other Christians. 

Imagine walking into a church for the first time and you hear two in the church talking about another church member.  Imagine walking into a restaurant and hearing people gossiping about someone, and then you realize they are gossiping about their preacher.  Maybe you hear people talking about someone and then see them sitting next to each other at church.  What are they showing you?  There is a longer list of what they are not showing you verses what they are showing you.  the first thing on the list is that they are not showing you how a Christian should behave.  

We have to be conscience of what we say and what we do because the world is waiting for us to act unchristian so they can use that as evidence against us.  We are all human and we all mess up.  However, we can use those moments as teaching moments for others.  We can explain how we are sinners, but we have a God that forgives ALL of us!  We can't go around acting like we are perfect, because we aren't.  If you ask non-churchgoers why they don't go to church many will tell you it is full of hypocrites.  How true is that?  You may say no it isn't.  However, it is sad that we act as if we are perfect and don't sin. 

I challenge you to a couple of things 1) do not persecute other Christians but instead pray for them and step up for the ones being persecuted 2) do not act as if you have never sinned because all of us have and by pretending that we haven't we do become a hypocrite.

The importance of church community

How often do you participate in a community within your church? Do you just go to service and leave, or do you find yourself drawn to being more involved?

Our church is very large and while some fear that the personal relationships would be impacted. I believe that you can go to a church of hundreds and still be connected just like you can go to a church of twenty and be disconnected. Regardless of the size of the church you have to make an effort and follow through to connect. The church is supposed to encourage, support, motivate, and help you. However you have to step up to be a part of the community in the church. 

I have been helping in our preschool ministry for a couple of years and love it.  I meet more of the parents, get to love on the babies, and grow closer to people serving in the preschool ministry. I have taken some classes at church and become part of those communities. I feel a closer connection to not only my church through these but also to God and fellow Christians. These relationships are important so we can continue to grow as Christians and lead others to God. We as Christians are often looked at and judged by non believers based on actions of other Christians (good and bad). 

My most recent class gathered last night to watch a movie and it was honestly like a group of friends hanging out. It changes the relationships because you become more than members of the same church. You really become friends who uplift, encourage, and inspire each other. Of course the first few nights of class everyone is learning each other, but slowly a community is forming. 

If you are not a part of a Christian based community please become part of one. There are times in life that a Christian based community helps more than just a group of your friends. If you are having a test of faith, test in life, or marriage test the Christian community guides you in God's word rather than the world. Some times the world tells us things that go against God's word so we need the community there to lead us back to God.

I love my church! It encourages me to make those connections and maintain those connections. I have gained knowledge, friends, and support through these connections. The connections are a community based on God, a community of support, and a Christian community that improves my life. 

The day God yelled at me.

Have you ever felt like God yelled at you?  I did a few weeks ago, and it is not something I will ever forget. 

As you know I lost my job at the end of 2014.  I immediately had a peace about it, and knew God was planning something amazing for me.  I knew I would be losing my job, and as others would ask what I was going to do I would say, "I don't know yet, God hasn't sent me a memo".  This was my way to let them know I trust God, and I knew God was doing something for me. 

However, a few weeks ago someone asked what is the hardest part of losing my job.  Of course I could have said loss of friends, loss of direction, or loss of having a job in general.  I already had peace with each of those because I had given it to God and knew something amazing was coming.  Keep in mind I have worked since I was 16, worked while going to college full time to get my Bachelor's Degree, and really enjoyed the job that I had.  I have never had to rely on my husband or anyone else because I would take care of it.  I know rely is a crazy term to use when I refer to my husband, but I was raised that you work for what you have.  I want to contribute and ensure Emma's future has open doors.  I was also relying on employers, which is so hard for me.  I had to rely on them to look over my resume', respond, and think I would be a fit for the job.  I found that this would pull at any and all insecurities that you have.  Instead of going into all of this I decided that my response would be that I have never had to rely on someone else to provide for me.  Simple, right to the point, and innocent right? 

WRONG!  Immediately I heard God "so you don't rely on me?"  Picture the dagger that pierced my heart and brought tears to my eyes  Yes, I rely on God, but I didn't think of that in the same way.  How can I trust God with everything, and not think that He would be in the middle of this whole process lining things up in my favor?  I immediately got by myself because I needed to apologize to God.  I had to tell Him that I do trust Him, and more importantly I am relying on Him to provide for me.

To think of the hurt on God's face when I said those hurtful words still brings tears to my eyes.  Imagine your child telling you those same words.  In the beginning of this whole process I asked God to take my anxiety, to take my hurt, to take my stress, and to take my worries.  Guess what? He did without hesitation, and here I stood saying I had never had to rely on anyone.  

God has blessed me so much through all of this.  While I still do not have a job, I do have an amazing God, a indescribable sense of peace, and yet excitement for what is to come.  During the past two months I have grown so much closer to God.  I have asked God to show me the job He has planned for me, and I am trusting entirely.  In the meantime, He is doing amazing things for me and growing my faith.  He is putting opportunities in front of me that I never expected, and guiding me into amazing roles to expand His kingdom.

**Side note - while typing this God pointed out that I was really struggling with letting go of control.  I have struggled with this so many times in the past, and I know being human I will continue to.  I have to keep a check on myself in this area because God is in control of my life!